The Thing About Dreams

The thing about dreams, real dreams that come from your very heart and soul, is that they don’t just disappear. Sometimes they simply drift back into dormancy, waiting for the right conditions to bloom.

Fast forward to 2023. We had recently moved farms, the most harrowing move we had ever experienced, complete with record-breaking snowstorms, an ER visit, and an outpouring of energy from both Nick and I that took months to recover from.

I struggled with burnout that year, and while I tried to show up and go through the motions of managing the farm despite it all, a long cool spring turned abruptly into a scorching summer that crisped our pastures, destroyed the hay crop and resulted in a widespread feed shortage before the season had even started. At the time, cattle were our main focus and we had just increased our herd to reflect the size of our newly acquired land base. I felt crushed by the weight of being responsible for all of these mouths to feed, with no way to do it. Before long, I faced the music and watched tearfully as years of building my herd, and my business, drove away in the back of a trailer.

I spent a lot of time in bed that summer. Not so much that was really alarming, but any chance I got, I found myself crawling under the covers. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and I think my body just new I needed rest wherever I could find it. The start to our time at our new farm was something I had built up in my mind for years - and instead of the magical experience I had pictured, I was facing my hardest year of farming yet. I felt like a failure, like I didn’t deserve to access this beautiful land, and like I had let myself and my animals down completely.

I’ve always had a hard time settling my mind. Even though I craved rest and sought comfort in my bed, I couldn’t just lie there. And while the direction of the farm had changed drastically and now lay somewhat open-ended, I knew it wasn’t over…I just needed to figure out what was next.

And there it was, from some deep dark corner of my heart, the dream of a sheep dairy came drifting back.